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Dear Amy: “Sandy” and I have been close friends since college. Our group of friends remains close-knit even though we live in different states.
We have group text chats and get together from time to time.
Lately, Sandy has been going through a rough patch after a painful divorce.
She is something of an “influencer” on social media, sharing all her experiences with mental health publicly.
I feel conflicted between her public sharing and lack of openness within the very safe space of our close-knit group.
I understand that social media is her chosen outlet, but I don’t understand why she would do this instead of opening up to a group of people who actually know her better.
I’m very private, so it feels weird when other people overshare on social media.
Plus, Sandy hasn’t started a conversation with me in a long time.
I have young children at home and a demanding work schedule. I often feel exhausted and unable to manage everything, but I refrain from airing these issues publicly and only share these things within my friend group.
Should I contact Sandy to note her recent posts and ask how I can support her? If the answer is yes, how should I handle my dissatisfaction with her choices?
– confused
For those of you who are confused: Some people use social media to basically leak into the trash can of their emotions, to air every thought, emotion, and recent meal.
This can seem very ill-advised or even performative, as this is a way to garner a lot of pity and pity from your followers.
You don’t like this, but some people do. Having access to other people’s struggles can help other social media users feel less alone.
“Sandy” found his outlet. She may feel that being open publicly allows her to show more of her presence to her close personal friends. She is venting to the crowd. As a result, she will free up space for your group her chat.
You may be confused by her choices, but judging her too harshly won’t help you either. She shares her frustrations and challenges publicly on social media, and you share her frustrations and challenges with the people reading this column.
Yes, please contact Sandy personally to check in. However, don’t criticize her for sharing too much.
She broadcasts using her favorite channel. You have to respond using yours.
Dear Amy: The other night I was talking to my husband about a little lie he told me.
I told you that lies are not allowed!
I’m much less upset about the truth than a small lie.
During the conversation, he told another lie, which was easily discovered in the search history on his tablet. He invited me to this, but he thought he had deleted his cell phone history, so he obviously didn’t expect me to be able to find it.
By the way, this wasn’t what I was worried about. After all, he’s a man and I’m not stupid.
When I caught him and called out to him, he got defensive and wouldn’t give me the comfort of getting through this.
Now I’m at a loss. If he starts telling little lies to my face, I’m worried when he’ll start telling big lies.
– Lost in Idaho
To the Lost: It is very unrealistic to expect your husband to comfort you after he lied to you. At that moment, he feels more sorry for himself than he does for you. And maybe you should feel sorry for him too.
Unless he’s completely arrogant, lying about small things for no reason is cowardly. His lies make it clear that he doesn’t really trust you. He is afraid of your reaction or afraid of disappointing you. And indeed, I believe that once this takes root, small lies lead to big lies.
You and your husband should check out the latest book by renowned relationship researchers Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman, “Fighting Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection” (2024, Harmony) That’s a good idea.
Dear Amy: Every time I try to answer a question about cannabis use, I reveal how outdated and ignorant I am.
Marijuana is a medicinal herb that has been used for thousands of years. Now it’s legal to use it, so no one should have a problem with it.
– Happy Pot User
Dear Happy: Sober people suffer from the very real effects of trying to live with people who are not sober. Being the designated driver all the time is a hindrance.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. Also, follow her on Twitter @askingamy or on Facebook You can also.)
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